Will there still be rainbows in my sky..? Cause its so dark now.. I can't see the light, i can't see anything neither can i feel anything.. my life has just frozen..

Its really true to be said this way.. Even though i am standing in the middle of the crowds with so many people around.. so lively.. but yet the only thing i felt is the loneliness i have inside.. My whole life is left empty.. And with the fact that you're gone.. It adds up  to my knowing that i am all alone.. in this world.. Without you, my life has been cursed with mono-tone.. My days are filled with emptiness..
Baby, i really miss you.. as much as what the desert have miss the rain to come.. I miss you so.. so much..
Even i put a smile on my face, knowing that i am not even feeling happy inside cause something is lost in my heart.. a space that can't be filled with the happiness i am trying so hard to get.. i want to stay strong but the harder i tried to forget everything, the more it appears in my mind.. Sometimes, i just feel so tired to try so hard.. as there's still no result in return.. I just can't get him off my mind.. I loathe myself.. I hate myself to be in this way.. and there's just nothing i can do about it..
Oh please.. Somebody.. somebody just help me get him off my mind.. please..

Maybe its just silly of me.. Cause whenever i pass by the bus stop that we used to alight oppose the regional library, i will just turn around to peek out the window, hoping to see the shadow of you.. Whenever i walk pass your place, i hope to see the sights of you.. But nevertheless, each time my wish just won't come true.. I don't know what to expect anymore..
Maybe i still don't wish to let you go.. or maybe i just been thinking too much.. How i wish you can let me stay by your side.. Every time, i think of hoping once again, i will keep remind myself of the words you told me before.. You ask me to forget you, we won't be happy together.. It will just tarnish my hopes..
And every now and then, when i start recalling of us, i don't remember what our problem is, where goes wrong, what is the reason we have to leave each other.. i really have no clue..
One thing that hurts soo much is that even we were to see each other one day on street, we will be like strangers walking pass each other.. strangers whose seems even more distant than a stranger.. Remember that you once said that you wish to always be the one standing beside me holding on to my hand so we won't be able to walk pass each other.. I guessed the promises you made with me all stay in the past of us..
Dear, i really miss you, i miss the old you who once love me soo deeply, who touched my heart, not someone that i see.. someone that is a total stranger to me..... It really hurts me to see now..

I could have love this guy for life but he don't cherish.. I know its hard for me to let go.. Though i promise myself that i have to.. I don't understand why some people can take such a short time to forget about a person he or she once loved.. At least to me, i know i can't do it.. Cause till now, i still not able to get him out of my mind thoroughly... Cause where ever i go to, there bounds to be something that reminds me of him.. Till now, i think i am still carrying a little hopes that maybe we could patch back together.. I know i am silly to think this way.. But this is something that i can't control.. maybe, I just  need more time i guess..
I remember during the holidays after 5days of our breakup, i went cycling alone.. On the way all around, SunPlaza park, Pasir Ris Park and under the void decks.. All filled with our memories.. When i pass by the places, like all the memories we once shared all came back to me.. Make me think alot alot.. While regaining all my memories, i start missing the days we were together.. i start missing on the person i shouldn't have.. I forced myself not to.. But it din work out.. When cycling to the bridge that cross over the busy road, i remember i told him before that he should get down his bike & push it up through the bridge for safety reason. When i start thinking of it, i fell down from my bike when i trying to get down.. Cause i am so distracted somehow, my mind is like miles away from me.. In the end, i got some cuts & bruises.. But these are all physical wounds, it will be cure once you put plaster on it.. But can the wounds in my heart just put plaster on it so it won't bled anymore..? 
When school started, i don't know what i am going to do when i see him in school.. I really don't know.. One thing i know is that we won't be friends like we used to before.. Cause when we saw each other in school or even in bus, we are like total stranger to each other.. We din even greet each other.. i am not sure whether i am ready enough to face him once again.. It feels so uncertain.. i don't know what to do.. I know i feel happy to see him again.. but... i don't know whether i should feel happy or sad.. i am confused myself..
I saw him again today in school, the first second i saw him, my heart is like going to jump out of my mouth, it was pumping so fast.. And the first reaction i want to do is to run away, i want to hide from him.. I went to take bus, waited for very long for it.. the bus came very late.. And just when i look around me, i saw him behind me.. But i pretend i din see him even after we took the same bus, he was just standing beside me, i act that i din see his existence, i din see his angle.. Cause i scare to look at him.. i scare to look into his eyes once again.. I still don't know how to react to it... We act like strangers, REAL strangers though in beneath us, we know we knew each other soo much.. like the closest strangers.. Sooo close but yet soo far..

Everywhere i go
By: Katharine Mcphee

Its funny how you thinking
you really know yourself
like you would never lose yourself to someone else
and I was up to thinking it was all about you and me
Silly,Silly me
I should have never listened to a word you said
But I was always giving into promises
I never should have gone for
I should never long for you no matter how hard it gets
And i want this to be over
I so want this to be through
In the end somehow it always comes back to you
(C/O) Cause everywhere I go , No matter what I do boy
I just can't get you out of my head
So it annoys me He wasn't man enough to come and
tell me That I was never the one
Like you said I was,you could have told
Someone you knew that you didn't love Me anymore
If you had only told me how you really felt
I could've put my feelings into someone else
But I was busy thinking that was
Where I was supposed to be
Silly,silly me
But there was something about
you that I couldn't resist
Can't put my finger on it but
whatever it was I never should have stood for (stood for)
Knowing you 're no good for me(Ohh....) that the way it is
And I want to be over
I so want it to be through
In the end somehow it always comes back to you
Cause everywhere i go(everywhere I go )
no matter what I do boy
I just can't get you out of my head (I want you out of my head )
so it annoys me,He was'nt man enough
to come and tell me,That I was never the one
Like you said I was,You could have told someone you knew that you did'nt love(Ohh...) me anymore
i tell myslef,Get over you ,its so the right ,Right things to do
And just when I ,Thought I was done ,You pulled me in For another run < I can't take this,i won't take this,I can't do this,i won't do it> Even ifi t know in the end somehow it,always comes back to you
*(Everywhere) cause everywhere I go
(that i go ) no matter what i do boy
(I can't get) I just can;t get you out of my head
so it annoys me,He was't man enough ,To come and tell me
that I was never the one ,Like you said I was
You could have told someone,you knew that you didn't love
me anymore..
I love this SONG ! Its so describe my situation now..

All had happened.. i have to get over it now.. At least, that's all i can do.. He sees it pointless to get together again.. I see it hopeless...
I guess i am just too tired to hope for us to get together again.. My heart feel numb now, i don't know whether i am feeling happy when i smiles and laugh.. i don't know everything anymore.. He was someone i used to trust soo much.. someone i once love before.. Guess now, i just want everything to be over, i so want this to be through..
My girlfriends said:" He is the one who wanted the breakup and just want to push everything to you, so he can feel better and less guilty.. And if he really love you, he'll solve this problem with you by all means.. But he din... So, just get over him.."
My guy friends told me:" He is just running away from the problem.."
Well, i don't know anymore.. i don't want to think anymore.. i shouldn't have believe the words he said before.. I took his words too seriously.. All his sweet talks before feel soo fake now.. its all empty words.. all the empty promises.... i feel soo silly.. His words nowaday seems soo hurtful.. Though i think that he did that because he want me to forget all about him.. He already don't feel anything for me..
Why didn't he tells me earlier..? I feel no more for this relationship.. numb is all i felt..
But  just want to get over with it..

Either I closed or open my eyes, my mind is just full of images of you, what you said, what you did, your smiles, your sacrastic comments for me.. what we had joked about.. Nothing i can get it out of my mind... 
9 days have we not met..... Not to think of you that in fact, i miss you deadly.. trying not to feel the pain when you said you are going to leave me.. Try hard not to cry when actually my heart bled.. trying to change to someone that i am not... in the end, it all ends here & hurts is all i felt...
All i have been trying to do seems to be no use.. I din want to us separate... i din want it to be over.. I never knew sharing with you some of my thoughts will feel be soo painful.. Losing you is the greatest pain i ever felt though it makes my heart feel numb.. Idk what else can i do...
But i can tell you, i NEVER want to breakup.. NEVER.. at least thats all i have been trying to avoid soo much... i am unhappy about about something that you din do, but im not unhappy with your everything.. i still can give in to you cause you are someone i love soo much... I am just upset by it, but not wanting it to be over.. I never knew voicing out my feelings can cause such a big disaster... i thought you love me no more cause you don show much concern & cares for me anymore unlike the previous times.. Its not you don love me enough, its you din want to show it.. And how would i know it ? And it feels like you don't love me anymore..
What else can i says.. You broke my heart when you said i can do what i want, it doesn't matter anymore... It seems that no matter how badly i want us to stay together & save our relationship, it doesn't matter with you anymore.. Nothings going to change.. like you had said..
I regretted telling you this.. truely regretted.. But still i want to say i love you no matter what.. Its too bad & pity that we let it ends.. & worse of all, its killing me cause there aren't nothing that i can do..... There is just one thing i can do is i never going to forget about you... i never regret the days we spent together.. Now, i only wish for another try.. Cause i still have soo much that i haven't do with you.. soo much we haven't share together... just sooo much more...
But i guess all of these matters to you no more... I suppose fate is playing on us...  

You know why i didn't tell you all these about how i felt ? Cause i don't want to evoke another problem to appear.. All these lately unhappiness let me feel the more you love me no more.. I couldn't share with you my thoughts, not all.. Cause it will turn out that you saying me doubting about you.. And in the end, you will say maybe its just time that we should take our relationship into another reconsideration and maybe we should both not see each other for the time being, cooled down first and think whether we should we still want to be together or not.. I DON"T want THIS to HAPPEN again ! NEVER EVER !! Idk why i had felt this way in the first place.. Maybe its because of your lack of concern & cares for mr, make me feel neglected or somehow.. I am not blaming you or what.. I just can't stand it when what comes after disappointment is arguments follows by cold war then patch back then happens again, it repeats itself..
Sometimes it feels irritating but then sadden by it.. I don't like it when you always think of separating as an option to resolve our  problem.. I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL ! I HATE IT ! Simply, cause i just love you too much to leave you...
And so, i ca't say out how i felt to you.. Some words are meant to be left unsaid & kept deep in my heart.. never to let you know.. Cause i don't want to spell another trouble to worsen our relationship..
Remember, supposedly, we are to go out on thursday.. But cause you were tired to go out, so you asked for a postponement to friday. But actually, i had a date with my friends and i couldn't cancelled it cause we made a pact with each other that this time we were all to turn up.. The fact is that i really want to go out with you but i don't want to lose my friends too..
Actually, i was hoping that we  could go out on saturday instead, but you said you got mahjong.. it was a little disappointing though when you said that.. Cause you told me before that mahjong is just secondary comparing with me.. You told me before that you would turn down mahjong session in order to go out with me.. I guess you don't meant it too.. Gosh ! Why i always take soo serious of your words ?
Maybe this have shown that i am just less important to you now... But i keep remind myself that i should compromise and give in sometimes, at least thats the only thing i can do. .
Cause i have no absolute reason for you to sacrifice your mahjong for me.. I have NO rights too.. And i can't always take away all your fun with your friends and all.. I don't want to be the destroyer of your happiness just like in the dream of mine..
Though i am disappointed but what else can i do.. That's what happen when you are in love with someone and giving in to him cause you still wan to stay in this relationship with him.. 
But you know Sometimes, just some caring thoughts or words can make me feel soo much better..... 

I almost cried my every nights to sleep these past few days.. I had a bad dreams last night.. Maybe it really reflect how i feels now and what i foresee of the future will be like. Maybe it really reflect how i feels now and my foresee of what the future will like.. The dream goes like this:
After school, we finally thought of where to go.. Finally you initiated to bring me somewhere ! Out of my expect, you brought to your girl-friend's house. She lived in a bungalow. We settled down in her room. When i saw her pictures, i think she is soo pretty, soo rich & smart.. And i have nothing good compared with her.. When she came in the room, your eyes just can't take away from her.. Then she settled down with us.. The atmosphere seems a little awkward between us.. But you don't seems to care, you just have to much things to talk to her.. If i didn't remember wrong, we were doing art in her room. It is my strongest subject of all, but no matter how hard or best i tried to make my art piece, i can't compare to hers.. Feel like i am prompt to make mistakes in everything i do, include my art piece.. Nevermind about that then,. We spent like half a day there at her house, finally decided to leave her house for a teabreak..
She didn't join us, idk why.. But i can finally loosen abit.. So, when walking on the way to a coffee shop to grab something to eat, you suggested to go find your guy friends, so they can join us too. Hence, we went to your another friend's house nearby and there was a group of them. At your friend's house, they got an additional bike. So, you cycled with them to the coffee shop while i slowly walked there..
I saw your laughter & fun with them.. I see you laughing out laugh with all your friends and all, abandon me at the back.. i see your smiles, hear your laughters, it hurts me when i start to think back that, why i never able to make you laugh till that.. never let you laugh out from your heart.. You were having soo much fun with them, so happy.. You didn't even look back at me.. I asked myself whether i am just another rock that is blocking your road to your happiness.. Maybe its just better without me by your side...
Finally,  i reached the coffee shop, seated down at the table your settled at. Out of curiousity, i asked:"Why didn't the girl-friend of yours did not come along ?" And you just told me straight to my face that its because of me that she didn't want to come. Cause she finds it awkward and all. I can see in your eyes that you were soo disappointed that she did not come.. At that moment, i keep asking myself maybe i shouldn't have been here at all.. I start to feel that i am just the destroyer of all your happiness.. like in the reality, maybe i am just not good enough for you.. maybe its just tough for you to be together with me.. 
Then i just said:" erms.. Then you want me to leave first, so she can join you all cause your already know each other previously.." You start feeling excited, energise and all. You said:" Really ? Really you can do that for me ?" I said:" Ya....."
Though my heart feel sooo freaking pain & terrible inside when i looked in your eyes.. After what so ever, you wanted to send me off, but i said nevermind cause you seems soo unwillingly.. It all start to make sense that you love me no more.. So, i left the place broken hearted..
I walked down the street alone, feeling devastated .. I took a cab but not noticing where it was heading.. I looked out the taxi window with my mind full of painful thoughts & feeling my heart shattered to pieces.. Until i realised i have no idea where the cab is going.. some place looks soo unfamiliar.. I asked the driver where he is going, he told me some where that seems soo far.. So i quickly got down the cab & found myself lost inthe plae of nowhere.. I think it implies that i am easy to be lost without you by my side.. but i was thinking maybe i was just not the one you always hoping for.. maybe i am just not good enough...    

Well, what's come after blissful life is a road of pains. Feeling depress all the moments.. idk.. Nothing i do seems to please you.. What's more you want from me ? i wonder, why does it have to happen all the times ? And what's more is left for me to say.. If saying sorry does not cure.. Then what else can i do ? I tried whatever i am doing that displease you.. Yet, you still have it your way. You said what's done cannot be undone.. Then what you did to me, can't be undone too. Do you have any idea how badly & suffocating i am feeling inside ? There seems nothing i can do to turn things around whenever things become worse.. What you expect from me, i really wonder ! I am tired of our trivial arguments or disappointments all the times.. I found them sickening !
Cause, everytime after the arguments and all, it ends up me being heartache & feeling terrible.. I really have no idea what to do or what can i do anymore.. At first, in the earlier of this relationship, i really can see our future together. I was putting soo much hope on to it ! However, as the time passes, we can't seems to get along here & there.. And quarrels over small things. All these made me start to feel a little tired & annoyed, it makes my vision so unclear, everything seems to be soo unsure, uncertain.. Even our future together.. Worse of all, it makes me feel that we can't last long or even forever..
No wonder all the people around me told me not to put too much hope & feelings into this relationship because.. one day.. just one day, we will just break up or something.. They all tol me that we won't last long.. i REALLY want to proof them wrong.. But, even if i have faith in this relationship, just one sided is always not enough to pull through.. Sometimes, i feel that fate is just playing on us.. It can gives us hopes and it can just take it away from you like nothing... sigh~ 

I remember you said why i took your words soo seriously, i really thought you meant it .. The truth is you don't mean what you said.. I wonder do you meant it when you said you love me ? Oh my god ! All these are coming back to me at once ! Maybe the truth is you don't love me anymore.. You don't cares about me anymore.. You don't need me by your side anymore.. Now i am going to end up another heartbreak..
I refuse to cry cause you say you don't like it.. I change myself, i change my profile when you say you don't like it.. But you just can't seems to see all the things i have done for you.. I can change for you, but can you change for me i wonder ? i guess not..
And all these is because you don't love me anymore.. You don't need me in your days filling up the happy moments in your life.. I hate to feel the pains from another heartbreak once again !
What can i do now, how can i defend myself from the pains i am going to feel soon or later.. Can i just fence my heart up now ? Can i not to hold too much hope in this relationship.. if only i can.. But I think its just a little too late.. I have fallen soo much in love with you..
Or can i force myself not to love you ? Can i get over you now ? Can i stop thinking of you or missing you when you are gone ? Can i stop the pain that my heart is still going to face ? I can i live on like nothing goes wrong when we break up ? Can i get you out of memory, part of my life ? I kept asking myself these questions.. Though i know my answer is all no... i can't do it..

Haha ! Starting with something good.. Well today, as usual, i was late for my dating with him.. Our first stop for shopping, we went to Bugis Street, it was Damn freaking HOT ! We were SWEATING like hell ! Ok , that's him. I am not sweating that much though, don't know why . Haha ! hmms, let me think.. what he bought.. Aha ! he bought two bermu for himself and one cap for mEe ! Wooo ! I like the cap so much ! Haha :) Then i bought two spagetti and off we gOo !
Haha ! That is because he simply can't stand the strong fans that make messy his hair and the packing crowds. HAHA ! Later, we went to Topshop at bugis junction. He wanted to get a polo-T, so i took one of the design and ask him to go try. I waited for him outside the fitting room and when he stepped out to show me, i walked in alittle and the salesgirl was like "Excuse me, miss! Erms.. This is a GUYS fitting room, so i was not allow to step in and blah~blah~blahs !" Like~ What the hell ! I mean he was just right there standing in abit. I just simply walked in alittle and i was embarrassed by it ! I don't know whether should i get angry or ps !
But anyway, i was trying to get not too upset about it and i so move on ! Haha ! Next, where did we go... Oh ya ! We went to buy some snacks. So, i chose mints for everything; mints choc ice-cream and peppermints green tea for bubble tea. I must admit the combination of green tea and peppermints SUCKS ! It tastes weird. Haha ! And i still happily finished it all. 
After all that, we went to the fourth floor, he bought another polo-T and formal casual Top! And what happened next was, he bought another bermu for himself and a scarf for me! Soo nice of him but OH MY GOD ! How much he had actually spent ?!
While the shopping was fun, but we have to move on to marina square if we want to catch the fireworks in time ! Well, though i got to see the fireworks but it wasn't as spectacular as last year one. Haha ! And the place i am at, is FREAKING packed, can't even move! haha .
 BUT we managed to shortcut the packing way, so we were able to move faster. When we reached Marina Square, we were trying to walk to suntec to settle down on some place to eat where there is fewer people. But, i double the trouble when i can't eat anything over there. I felt so bad, guilty and awful making him walk around with me just to find me some edible food.
Sigh~ It was a long walking and so, we settled down at Han's. He ordered a lot a lot of food, i guessed he was really really that hungry! Haha . And i just sitting opposite of him watching the way how he swallowed everything up in one shot. Haha ! I found it very fun to watch him eat cause i will burst out in my laughter ! hahs
And so, this is what happened the whole day ! and i really enjoyed experiencing it ! I hope that there are more of these days to come in the future ! Haha ;) 

Well, today have been a short day in school. Everything was going great ! I was paying attention in class and all. Nothing unpleasant happen today. At least, we have no agrument with each other. No fighting, no quarreling, no crying involve and simply no heartbreak caused. Haha ! How i wish that everything in my life will go that well in the future... ohh ! i went to his house after school today. We went to rent dvd and i bought cup noodles to his house to eat. Haha ! What happened wad he actually helped me to boil the water and prepare my cup noodles for me while i am playing his PSP. That's so nice of him. Haha ! i was feeling so blissful at that moment. Feel like i am so easily contented person. Hehe . Sooo , after my beautiful warmthy lunch made by my beloved husband, we watched th rented DVD "The Hottie and The Nottie". Ok~ The show was quite boring and sounded like no storyline. In conclusion, not really very nice. Haha !
Later in the night, we went to eat our dinner and wanted to catch a moive before going home. Then, i went HELLO KITTY freak that night and went around going crazy for it whenever i see it. Haha ! And my husband was like getting a little too impatient waiting aside for me. HA ! :)
And later the part at night, it was more exciting. We went to play the basketball in the aracade. Although, we din score very well, overall, it was a fun experience. I had enjoyed my day and i hope its goes for him too ! Haha ! :)